At certain points in your relationship, there’s a good chance your sex life will take a nose dive. You might go from multiple times a day (hello, honeymoon phase), to a few times per week, to every couple of months if you’re lucky, and it can make you wonder how much sex is normal in an LTR.
The short answer? It all depends. According to Laurie Watson, a certified sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again, most couples can’t maintain the breakneck speed that often happens at the beginning of a relationship, and that’s OK.
In many ways, the slow-down can be seen as a good thing. If you’re having less sex, it might mean you’re starting to see friends or picking up hobbies again — all things that show you’re relaxing into the comfort of a stable, long-term relationship. It’s also true that not everyone needs or wants to hook up on the regular.
That said, some people in long-term relationships worry they aren’t having enough sex. If you’re going through a dry spell or have noticed a major change in your connection, you may start to wonder if something’s wrong. Below, two therapists talk about sex in long-term relationships, what counts as enough, and how to talk about it with your partner.
How Much Sex Is Enough?
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Society puts a lot of pressure on the idea that more sex equals a healthier relationship, but that isn’t always true, says LilithFoxx, a board-certified sexologist. While you might compare your sex life to what you see in the movies, or even what your friends are doing, she says there’s no universal standard.
That’s why, instead of worrying about numbers or quotas, the question shouldn’t be “Are we having enough sex?” but “Are we both satisfied with our sex life?” To answer that question, you’ll need to assess how you feel and check in regularly with your partner, too.
According to LilithFoxx, you might not be having enough sex if one or both of you feel disconnected, resentful, or hesitant to talk about sex in general. “Other clues include feeling like roommates rather than romantic partners, avoiding physical touch to prevent it from leading to sex, or noticing that one person initiates far more often than the other,” she says.
Desire can wax and wane for several reasons.
If sex used to be fun but now feels like a chore — and one you both often forget about — or if you’ve stopped having sex due to a deeper issue that’s yet to be resolved, you should make a change. In these cases, it may be a sign you both need to up your game and connect more often.
While there is no magic number, some studies show couples who have sex about once a week tend to report higher relationship satisfaction, but it also doesn’t mean your connection is doomed to fail if you have sex less often.
“What matters most is whether both partners feel fulfilled,” says LilithFoxx. “Some couples are happy with sex a few times a year, while others thrive on daily intimacy. It’s all about what works for you.”
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
How to talk about your sex life.
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Sex is a tricky topic to talk about because it can bring up insecurities. “There’s often fear of hurting a partner’s feelings, being judged, or feeling rejected,” says LilithFoxx. “Many people also associate their desirability or relationship success with how often they have sex, so bringing it up can feel like admitting failure.”
It’s also low-key embarrassing. Even if you and your partner feel close in other ways, sitting down to talk about “doing the deed” can feel pointed, awkward, or just plain weird. To ease into the conversation, LilithFoxx recommends approaching each other with curiosity instead of criticism.
“Instead of saying, ‘We never have sex,’ try something like, ‘I miss feeling physically close to you,’” she says. Once you start chatting, you can discuss what’s right for your relationship. Focus on what sex means to you. Is it about stress relief? Connection? Adventure? Be honest about what you want, and from there it should be easier to tell if you’re having “enough” sex to meet those needs.
How to have more sex in a long-term relationship.
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It’s also OK if you talk it through and realize you’re both OK with having infrequent sex. “There’s nothing wrong with having a lower libido or not placing a high priority on sex,” says LilithFoxx. Desire can wax and wane for several reasons, especially as you go through different life and relationship phases.
You might feel frisky in the summer but not so much in the winter when it’s cold and dreary. One or both of you may go through a period of insecurity, and it’s also normal to hook up less if you’re dealing with a family problem or health issue. “In those cases, open communication is essential to finding ways to stay connected without pressure.”
How To Have More Sex
How to have more sex.
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If you realize you’d both like to have more sex, there are plenty of ways to add it back into your life. “That doesn’t mean scheduling sex if that feels forced, but making space for connection,” says LilithFoxx.
To get in the mood, try kissing, cuddling, or flirting throughout the day. “Creating moments of excitement outside the bedroom, like going on dates, trying something new together, or even just being more present with each other can reignite attraction,” she says.
If you’ve noticed that you stopped having sex because you’re too tired, then going to bed earlier or having morning sex could be the key. And you can also try initiating in a playful, low-pressure way. “Simply asking, ‘Want to fool around? can open the door to more frequent intimacy,” says LilithFoxx.
How to have more sex in a long-term relationship
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Watson also warns against waiting to be in the mood. “Most of us assume that we should feel something first to know we want sex, but relying on memory gets us past the gate so that arousal can whet our appetite,” she says. Try kissing and touching in bed. Once things get rolling, you’ll likely be on board.
As you start to add sex back into your relationship, it should be easier to make it a more regular occurrence — and it should be easier to tell when you’re both in the mood. “Long-time lovers develop shorthand,” Watson says. “They know what a look or touch means.” Often all you’ll need to do is give each other “the look” and you’ll be off to the bedroom.
Sources:
Laurie Watson, licensed couple’s therapist, certified sex therapist, author of Wanting Sex Again
LilithFoxx, board-certified sexologist
